It's truly amazing how I'm alive and where I am in my life. To go through some of the things I've been and realize that God, my family, my friends, and other loved ones still love me. The enemy of our souls tried to take me out when I was born. Prior to coming into this world, I had deficated in the womb and had inhaled it into my lungs. I also had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. I now know why I've dealt with lung health issues in my younger years and why I think I may have a very slight learning disability. I don't know how to describe it other than I get easily distracted at times and at others, I'm very focused on what I'm doing. The Hebrew meaning of my name rings true....Gift of the Lord. That's what Matthew means in the Hebrew. I'm blessed to be here despite the times I've hurt my parents, my friends with news that I stumbled, and most importantly, how many times I've hurt God's heart. Yet, when I turn/repent of my sins, "He's faithful and just to forgive me of my sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness". It's amazing that when we confess our faults one to another, God brings healing, forgiveness, and restoration. Turning to our Heavenly Father first is key with repentance. He says, "Draw nigh unto Me and I will draw unto you". Now it's time to pursue God's plan, purpose, and call on my life. With that said, also to never give up because God never gives up on me or you.
What happens when you fall and the person next to you does not. When your walking with someone and they stop walking with you or the path you thought was before you radically changes views in no time at all.
We all have these moments in life where we look before us and the view is so peaceful and beautiful we forget to breath, because the thought of loosing it is to great. Instead we take a chance and look back to see where we came from and then when we turn back around the view is nothing like we remember.
The garden where peace and love flowed is now a forest of mud and fallen trees. The hope that once filled our minds is now replaced with the mess that is before us.
For me this came in college, a friend that I thought the world of, a friend that knew me so well, a friend I would have called a best friend...decided to stop walking, decided to turn around. The view I had planned in front of me, the breath I was deciding to take was thrown from my body and in front of me was nothing but a mess.
I think that is all a part of life...looking back and seeing the mess that in now beautiful with time. See four years ago I was turmoil, I was in mud up to knees and everyone around knew more then I did. The people around me saw the picture with color and all I saw was this gray world with no point.
Messy, ugly, and lifeless...my world lie in front of me and I saw nothing of value.
Four years ago I could not stand here and tell you the beauty lie in the fact that this boy was the first to find value in me, this man was the first to give cridit to these gifts I possess, and this man of God was the first to say run because God is by you...run
I think through life we all have messes we can look back on and see beauty. I dont think my dad would consider the drive home he was partaking in when the phone rang with news that my mom had cancer a good drive. I dont think my mom would consider the weeks she spent away from me, a freshmen in high school and my sister a four month old newly adopted baby, good picute because of the radiation in her body kept her from us, I dont think my grandma would think back and view the hours spent in the waiting room wondering if her daughter had cancer a painting worth repainting.
Yet looking back at this unglyness, I see my dad and a group of men meeting at McDolalds to talk about grace and love when nothing seems to have hope, I see my mother who is now working on a cancer floor of a hospital and is allowed the joy to show love and mercy to people and families going through the same thing she did...the same thing we did.
Beautiful! This year of my families life, was a beautful mess and God shown through in every aspect of it all. Looking for the sunlight behind the trees, the flowers blooming in the mud...the mess of a year was worth the aching pain of picking up one foot up at time. Praying for strenght to see tomorrow and a hope that worth and life is found in Christ and not test results.
My parents taught me then that life is lived in these moments, these time when nothing makes sense...Christ does.
In collage this rang through. That boy, remember him, my parents knew what was to come, and allowed me to walk in the forest because they knew that the life I was called to would be shown to me through this mess. They knew that they would have to pick me up and hold me later but that I need this forest of broken tress to teach me about myself, to mold my steps and to set me on the path I'm on now.
As I stand now years after falling and the boy standing, I see that we were brought together for my heart to find this place I call home. I would not be the girl I am now with out his words of perservance. I would not be the women I am now without the faith he provided in my strength, whether he knows he did or not, and I would not be this women of God living in the northwest persueing Chirst through helping with a church plant had he not allowed my desire to over shadow his at times.
Messy, grows, thick and unable to see through...at times...Colorful, radiant, and remarkable...YES...a beautful mess some might call it.
We all have these moments in life where we look before us and the view is so peaceful and beautiful we forget to breath, because the thought of loosing it is to great. Instead we take a chance and look back to see where we came from and then when we turn back around the view is nothing like we remember.
The garden where peace and love flowed is now a forest of mud and fallen trees. The hope that once filled our minds is now replaced with the mess that is before us.
For me this came in college, a friend that I thought the world of, a friend that knew me so well, a friend I would have called a best friend...decided to stop walking, decided to turn around. The view I had planned in front of me, the breath I was deciding to take was thrown from my body and in front of me was nothing but a mess.
I think that is all a part of life...looking back and seeing the mess that in now beautiful with time. See four years ago I was turmoil, I was in mud up to knees and everyone around knew more then I did. The people around me saw the picture with color and all I saw was this gray world with no point.
Messy, ugly, and lifeless...my world lie in front of me and I saw nothing of value.
Four years ago I could not stand here and tell you the beauty lie in the fact that this boy was the first to find value in me, this man was the first to give cridit to these gifts I possess, and this man of God was the first to say run because God is by you...run
I think through life we all have messes we can look back on and see beauty. I dont think my dad would consider the drive home he was partaking in when the phone rang with news that my mom had cancer a good drive. I dont think my mom would consider the weeks she spent away from me, a freshmen in high school and my sister a four month old newly adopted baby, good picute because of the radiation in her body kept her from us, I dont think my grandma would think back and view the hours spent in the waiting room wondering if her daughter had cancer a painting worth repainting.
Yet looking back at this unglyness, I see my dad and a group of men meeting at McDolalds to talk about grace and love when nothing seems to have hope, I see my mother who is now working on a cancer floor of a hospital and is allowed the joy to show love and mercy to people and families going through the same thing she did...the same thing we did.
Beautiful! This year of my families life, was a beautful mess and God shown through in every aspect of it all. Looking for the sunlight behind the trees, the flowers blooming in the mud...the mess of a year was worth the aching pain of picking up one foot up at time. Praying for strenght to see tomorrow and a hope that worth and life is found in Christ and not test results.
My parents taught me then that life is lived in these moments, these time when nothing makes sense...Christ does.
In collage this rang through. That boy, remember him, my parents knew what was to come, and allowed me to walk in the forest because they knew that the life I was called to would be shown to me through this mess. They knew that they would have to pick me up and hold me later but that I need this forest of broken tress to teach me about myself, to mold my steps and to set me on the path I'm on now.
As I stand now years after falling and the boy standing, I see that we were brought together for my heart to find this place I call home. I would not be the girl I am now with out his words of perservance. I would not be the women I am now without the faith he provided in my strength, whether he knows he did or not, and I would not be this women of God living in the northwest persueing Chirst through helping with a church plant had he not allowed my desire to over shadow his at times.
Messy, grows, thick and unable to see through...at times...Colorful, radiant, and remarkable...YES...a beautful mess some might call it.
My parents divorced when I was little. I always believed in God and Jesus to some extent but none of my friends were Christians and I never really felt at home at church. My junior year of high school, my mom (who I was very close to) got a teaching job in Western Washington and I wanted to stay in Clarkston and finish high school. So I lived with my dad. He was very withdrawn and moody and generally uninvolved in my life. I had to keep up most of the cleaning and chores around the house myself. We fought constantly. When I couldn’t stand him anymore I would stay with my grandparents.
The plus side (or so I thought) of this living situation was that my dad’s lack of interest in my life gave me a lot of freedom I had never had when I lived with my mom. I could do pretty much what I wanted while my dad slept all day and worked all night. When I was a senior, a boy from the group I hung with began to show interest in me. I knew we weren’t really compatible and that he didn’t fit with what I wanted to do in my life, but I liked the attention he gave me. He had no real aspirations or passions for his life. He was indifferent about God or spirituality of any kind. I knew I wanted to go to college in the fall but I figured it was harmless to play around a little before then. He was funny and he thought I was beautiful. He was someone I could hang out with all the time and I could feel comfortable around. His affections helped me forget the lack thereof that I was receiving from my father. The ‘fun’ carefree nature of this relationship changed very quickly, however. I knew I didn’t want to have sex before marriage because I didn’t want a baby or an STD. But I thought other forms of physical intimacy were harmless. No one had ever told me otherwise. Our relationship became physical very quickly and I became way too attached. Almost obsessively so. I tried to slow things down, to tell him we needed to back up and just be friends but once we’d crossed certain lines, we ended up crossing more and more until there weren’t any more to cross. What I had intended to be a fun little fling before college turned into a dependency that lasted almost 4 years. I spent my first 3 years of school at the UI trying to make him into the guy I thought I wanted to be with because breaking up with him didn’t seem possible. I tried to end it multiple times but one of us always ran back. I thought I needed him. I had very few friends at college. I was shy and incredibly insecure. My biggest fear was being alone. He had become my life, the only person who was around whenever I needed him to be.
This whole time, part of me knew that God did not like the way I was living (although I tried to pretend he was OK with it). I felt like I wanted to live for Him but I couldn’t because I was hiding a huge chunk of my life from Him all the time.
God never let go of me. Through a lot of that time, I attended a Bible study with a girl I had met in the dorms freshman year. God taught me a lot about Himself in that time (and convicted me several times that I needed to live differently), but I still didn’t feel I could be real with the people at church. I felt that they were all better than me and that they wouldn’t like me if they knew what my life was really like.
Junior year I went to Ecuador for a semester and met 3 amazing Christian friends. One girl in particular played a huge part in my coming to Christ. She had fallen in love with Him fairly recently, after having a rocky past similar to mine. She too had a boyfriend in the states but they were choosing to remain pure and have a relationship God’s way. I knew that was what I wanted. And that that would never happen with Matt.
A few months after I got back, I prayed that if God wanted me to break up with him, that He would make it clear and show me when and how to do so. I told Him that I had tried to do it a million times and that if it was really going to work, He had to do it for me. And He did. He opened my eyes to see how much of myself I had given up for the sake of a relationship that was going nowhere. He reminded me that I wanted my life to be about something much bigger—about HIM. About Love and Life. He reminded me that He had a plan, that it was amazing, and that I needed to trust Him. The break-up was hands down the hardest thing I’ve done thus far and there is no way I could have gone through with it if I hadn’t let go and completely leaned on the faith that God would carry me through. It felt like jumping off a cliff with Jesus as my parachute. I had no idea what would happen, who my friends would be, where I would land. In October of ’07, I got baptized and left my addiction to him behind for good. God closed the door on my sexual sin. He washed me and made me pure again and he has given me joy and confidence that I never knew were possible. He has brought me amazing new friends who love Him and has allowed me to be open and honest with them. I don’t have to hide anymore—from God or from others. God has been healing and redeeming the broken pieces in me that resulted from this messy time in my life. My understanding of who Christ was and what He had done for me was completely transformed after I let go of the mess I had made of my life and made the choice to trust that whatever He had in store for me was better, even though I had no idea what that was. I still don’t fully know, but what He’s shown me so far has been pretty sweet.
I think the phrase I hear most in life is, “Oh my gosh Kat.” Every time I hear it, it makes me smile. It’s the reaction people get when they walk into my room or when I walk out the door in the morning in every color of the rainbow or when something I haven’t quite thought through comes out my mouth. Moments likes these happen frequently in my life. For me, it brings joy. Making people smile in wonder at how it is even possible to live my life. They tell me, “Omg I love your outfit Kat; you are ridiculous!” I say, “You can Barrow it.” And they say, “No, only Kat could wear that.” They say, “Omg Kat, How do you even make this mess.” And I say, “I have no idea, I don’t even remember making it…how did that get there?” They say, “Oh my gosh Kat! Did you really just say that?” And I say, “Yes I did, and I know all of you were thinking it.”
I live in a whirlwind of life and colors. I wonder sometimes why God made me this way. What would it be like to lead a normal life where I could remember to hang my bag up when I walked in the door or remember to charge my phone regularly or remember to take my contacts out at night? It starts to wear on my spirit. I love jumping from one moment to the next, but sometimes I want to know how people do it without all the mess. Since I can remember I always have a constant fear when I leave the room that I am forgetting something really important. Today it was my dance clothes and a pencil. Who knows what I will forget tomorrow.
Last spring I had a melt down because I thought I was losing my mind. I was so stressed between my full-time internship, classes, and all the projects I had due, that I couldn’t even think straight. I lived in a tiny one room flat with my best friend in
I went into the counseling center and scheduled an appointment with a counselor. It turned out that I was dyslexic. The lady that tested me was explaining dyslexia and said it means that your working memory functions differently and your processing speed is at a different pace than others. So sometimes your memory stick just gets too full. I thought that seemed about accurate...I'd say it gets full a lot... She then used another example that I can't explain without drawing but what I concluded was that normal people take the interstate to get somewhere and dyslexics take the scenic route...but we all get to the same place in the end. She then went on to tell me the advantages to being dyslexic. How creative based my mind is, how I have the ability to think up twice as many great ideas than most, and how I just look at life through a much different perspective than most.
I realized that God created me this way for a reason. That I would be able to approach life in my own way and add joy and a different perspective to people’s lives. That through all this mess in my life He still shines through. It really is true, to understand joy you have to first experience suffering. So I might not be able to get on the right train the right way, but that way I can see another tunnel I might not have seen before. And then I have a story to tell whoever I am suppose to be meeting. “I got on the train the wrong way and then I couldn’t get off because there was too many people so I had to ride it all the way to….but it’s ok I’m here!” And then they say, “Oh my gosh Kat how does this stuff even happen to you…” which hopefully brings more laughter and joy to their life. With God’s Love and understanding, he took me from the melted mess on the floor to a girl who sees life with new meaning. He really does redeem us in our mess and let’s His beauty shine through it all.
This is my Beautiful Mess.
It's truly amazing how I'm alive and where I am in my life. To go through some of the things I've been and realize that God, my family, my friends, and other loved ones still love me. The enemy of our souls tried to take me out when I was born. Prior to coming into this world, I had deficated in the womb and had inhaled it into my lungs. I also had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. I now know why I've dealt with lung health issues in my younger years and why I think I may have a very slight learning disability. I don't know how to describe it other than I get easily distracted at times and at others, I'm very focused on what I'm doing. The Hebrew meaning of my name rings true....Gift of the Lord. That's what Matthew means in the Hebrew. I'm blessed to be here despite the times I've hurt my parents, my friends with news that I stumbled, and most importantly, how many times I've hurt God's heart. Yet, when I turn/repent of my sins, "He's faithful and just to forgive me of my sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness". It's amazing that when we confess our faults one to another, God brings healing, forgiveness, and restoration. Turning to our Heavenly Father first is key with repentance. He says, "Draw nigh unto Me and I will draw unto you". Now it's time to pursue God's plan, purpose, and call on my life. With that said, also to never give up because God never gives up on me or you.
I was a freshman in college.
I started dating this guy.
He was a drummer and I was a singer.
We were both active in a Christian group on campus.
Each week we were up front leading worship.
After the first semester had passed, we were asked to become the sole worship leaders for the group. To lead hundreds of students into God's presence each week seemed like an honor, but I didn't feel called to the position. I got the sense that a role needed to be filled and the people in charge deemed me the best fit for the job.
Meanwhile, I had auditioned for a school musical and actually got a lead role. I knew that I couldn't do both the musical and be a worship leader. Both would require much rehearsal time and energy.
I had a mentor that I met with regularly who was disciplining me. We would meet at a local park and discuss readings from the discipleship book I had to go through. It seemed like 'God' homework and that I never did enough. She always seemed disappointed in me.
I remember sitting outside with her while she asked me what was more holy, to be a worship leader or be in the musical. What was more Godly, to serve God on a worship team or take part in a play.
These were questions she asked me. Ligit questions.
These questions still roam around in my head.
I honestly didn't know what was more 'holy' or 'Godly'. At the time I felt that she knew best, or she must, for she was older than me.
I told her what I thought what she wanted to hear.
The next day I told the director of the show that I couldn't be in the musical.
I just remember crying.
Crying so hard that I was 'doing the right thing' and doing what God wanted me to do. The mess was amplified by the guilt I felt in my heart. That I was turning my back on Him by having a desire to be in a school play. I couldn't understand why my mentor wasn't supportive of me doing something theatrical.
I really struggled with trusting Christian leaders.
I really struggled in my identity as an individual.
Did I just need to do what others told me to do and not question them? Could God be found everywhere? Could I worship Him anywhere?
I know I am still a bit jaded from that experience. It is hard to say that my mess is from a Christian group. A group I wanted to be loved and valued in. A group where you are suppose to feel safe and accepted in.
God redeemed the mess as the poop was hitting the fan though.
A good friend at the time talked to our choir director. Telling her that I had quit the musical and didn't understand why. During one of my scheduled voice lessons my instructor asked me a few questions. She mentioned my friend was concerned that I dropped out of the play. She asked me why. I just remember getting anxious. I brought up to her my mentor and the recent day in the park I had. The conversation we had about what was more 'holy'.
I didn't sing for my choir instructor that session.
What happened next was quite amazing really. My choir director pulled out a Bible, she read some scripture, and told me she wanted me to talk with God. She said that I had a decision to make and that she would be back after awhile.
Sessions were only to be 15-20 minutes. I was in her office for way over an hour.
I cried. I asked God why questions and what was I suppose to do questions.
I felt hurt by my mentor and I wanted my part back in the play.
When my choir instructor came back she gave me a hug and told me if God wanted me to be in that play my part would still be there. I remember humbly calling up the director and feeling relieved that he my part was still unfilled.
I was in the musical.
I met Christians who were in the musical.
God was worshiped by the relationships that were built in the musical.
I am still learning more about how to trust people and to hear God's voice.
I started dating this guy.
He was a drummer and I was a singer.
We were both active in a Christian group on campus.
Each week we were up front leading worship.
After the first semester had passed, we were asked to become the sole worship leaders for the group. To lead hundreds of students into God's presence each week seemed like an honor, but I didn't feel called to the position. I got the sense that a role needed to be filled and the people in charge deemed me the best fit for the job.
Meanwhile, I had auditioned for a school musical and actually got a lead role. I knew that I couldn't do both the musical and be a worship leader. Both would require much rehearsal time and energy.
I had a mentor that I met with regularly who was disciplining me. We would meet at a local park and discuss readings from the discipleship book I had to go through. It seemed like 'God' homework and that I never did enough. She always seemed disappointed in me.
I remember sitting outside with her while she asked me what was more holy, to be a worship leader or be in the musical. What was more Godly, to serve God on a worship team or take part in a play.
These were questions she asked me. Ligit questions.
These questions still roam around in my head.
I honestly didn't know what was more 'holy' or 'Godly'. At the time I felt that she knew best, or she must, for she was older than me.
I told her what I thought what she wanted to hear.
The next day I told the director of the show that I couldn't be in the musical.
I just remember crying.
Crying so hard that I was 'doing the right thing' and doing what God wanted me to do. The mess was amplified by the guilt I felt in my heart. That I was turning my back on Him by having a desire to be in a school play. I couldn't understand why my mentor wasn't supportive of me doing something theatrical.
I really struggled with trusting Christian leaders.
I really struggled in my identity as an individual.
Did I just need to do what others told me to do and not question them? Could God be found everywhere? Could I worship Him anywhere?
I know I am still a bit jaded from that experience. It is hard to say that my mess is from a Christian group. A group I wanted to be loved and valued in. A group where you are suppose to feel safe and accepted in.
God redeemed the mess as the poop was hitting the fan though.
A good friend at the time talked to our choir director. Telling her that I had quit the musical and didn't understand why. During one of my scheduled voice lessons my instructor asked me a few questions. She mentioned my friend was concerned that I dropped out of the play. She asked me why. I just remember getting anxious. I brought up to her my mentor and the recent day in the park I had. The conversation we had about what was more 'holy'.
I didn't sing for my choir instructor that session.
What happened next was quite amazing really. My choir director pulled out a Bible, she read some scripture, and told me she wanted me to talk with God. She said that I had a decision to make and that she would be back after awhile.
Sessions were only to be 15-20 minutes. I was in her office for way over an hour.
I cried. I asked God why questions and what was I suppose to do questions.
I felt hurt by my mentor and I wanted my part back in the play.
When my choir instructor came back she gave me a hug and told me if God wanted me to be in that play my part would still be there. I remember humbly calling up the director and feeling relieved that he my part was still unfilled.
I was in the musical.
I met Christians who were in the musical.
God was worshiped by the relationships that were built in the musical.
I am still learning more about how to trust people and to hear God's voice.
The beautiful mess sermon series has caused me to take a very close look at my life. After the first sermon I came to a strange realization: my life almost felt void of messes.
I am by no means perfect. I am by no means suggesting I don’t have personal struggles, problems, or issues.
I have plenty.
But looking at my life, from my childhood until now, I realized that I have never, in my entire life, felt real firsthand heartache.
No one in my extended family has ever died. Except great grandma Josie who was 102 and my cousin’s grandpa I considered my own. No one has had cancer. Or any other disease or disability for that matter. No failed surgeries. No car crashes. No divorce. No violence. No drug abuse. No alcoholism. My parents were and still are incredible believers. My dad never abused me in any way. My mom was never overbearing or hurtful in any way.
I have never been betrayed. Never bullied or assaulted. Never been cheated on. Never had a bad break up. I have never cried over something someone said or did to me.
While writing this I find myself knocking on wood every two seconds. I find myself thinking, any minute now, any day now, any year now something bad is going to happen. I’m way overdue for a huge mess in my life.
The only heartache from other people I have experienced has been secondhand or outside of me and my family’s lives. My good friend’s family infidelity. The slums of Tijuana. The fall of famous preachers like Tim Haggard. The absolutely disgusting and absurdly widespread despair in Africa. The suicide of my high school baseball coach.
These messes carry significant meaning, obviously, but they don’t affect me like messes that are directed at me personally. And as a result of this lack of firsthand messes in my life I feel like I am way too hard on myself and my introspective self look is incredibly critical and exaggerated. It’s like I’m subconsciously trying to compensate for the messes I haven’t experienced by overanalyzing my personal messes. It’s weird. I know.
But honestly, the deepest hurt I have ever felt in my life has been self-inflicted. The greatest brokenness was brought on by my own self. Which seems crazy. But it’s true. Growing up in a Christian family and living a cush life free of major conflict produced a weak faith in my earlier years. I had bouts of depression and self-hatred. I still constantly doubt and question myself spiritually. I find it really hard to forgive myself for mistakes that I have made and I dwell on it longer than I should.
But the beautiful mess series has made me realize two things: the first is that God is more concerned with redeeming my mess than rescuing me from it. A life free of pain would be lame. Because if you don’t have pain, then you don’t have pleasure. If you have no mess, you have no joy. You’re just an emotionless, senseless robot. I seriously never thought I would do this but I have found myself thanking God for messes in my life.
The second thing I have found is that the mistakes I have made are not about me. Redemption is not about anything I have done. It’s about what Christ did for me on the cross. I know that I am hopelessly sinful. But I also know that through Christ I am eternally redeemed and made righteous. This gives me an inexpressible joy and daily I find myself thanking God for His grace.
To close, if you have the time, which after this ramble you might not and I apologize, you should check out Ephesians 2:1-5. Really cool passage about God’s redeeming love and grace.
the. resonate. blog.
